Lara's Wanderings

This humorous article was written over 6 years ago for a writer’s newsletter. I was requested to give my advice to new authors, well… this may not have been what they had in mind… but they did laugh and it did get published. Enjoy!

If stabbing yourself in the chest repeatedly with a dull knife and not dying could be a career, it would be called writing. The novice writer dreams of the perfect book that they will write in less than a year and then be presented with a million-dollar advance adorned with showers of praise. The experienced author knows the heart-wrenching effort to bare your guts only to be told over and over again that it the equivalent of a rotting piece of soiled toilet paper. Rejection and criticism is more a part of being an author than writing is.

I say all this because the merit of an author is often pictured in how they deal with criticism. Many people, including myself, long to develop thicker skin to deal with criticism with courage and fortitude. I honestly think that this is a myth. Why else do we hear of writers who are alcoholics and drug addicts? I present the case now for dealing with criticism as a coward and indulging in all the well-earned self-pity any obsessive scribe could possibly want. Once recovered, you might be able to deceive yourself into thinking you are channeling those emotions into your writing, but in reality, it is just the standard insecurity we all use to achieve perfection or some such rubbish.

Writing one’s first book is a challenge by itself. Some say its like childbearing. Having had children, I can tell you it is harder. Still, it is an effort I think most people should try once, kind of like burning your hand, so you learn not to do it again.

Once a novice writer places their brand new baby book on the altar of public opinion, they get the deranged joy of watching it burn. Your family and friends MIGHT say your book is nice. Often, they just pat you on the shoulder and say “Good try. Get a real job.”

This is mild in comparison to the writer groups and online forums. If you dare to present your work there, nasty little trolls crawl out of the woodwork and start dismantling your pride and joy. The spelling error on page 63 is harped on. Your wording is called stilted or clichéd. Your characters are flat, unbelievable, juvenile, whiny, too perfect, not repeatable, or just dull. The plot moves too fast, too slow, not interesting enough, too confusing, too complicated, too simple, too trite, and too odd. Your settings are bland, strange, old, unimaginative, and too hard to imagine. Your writing is archaic, stilted, too common, vulgar, or patronizing. And you may hear all of these contradictory criticisms at the same time! What should you do?

If you are like me, you crawl into a hole and begin the stages of writer’s grief: denial you did anything wrong, anger that these people were so mean, bargaining with your few supporters for validation, tears that the critics may be right, and then repeat the process a few dozen more times. Then I obsessively read over my writing with weeping and gnashing of teeth before repeating the stages of grief all over again.

Oh, dread upon dread! I find eight errors in 100,000 words! My life is over! I suck at writing! I should quit and do something more productive with my time, like underwater basket weaving.

Sane people do quit at this point. Some people actually make it through the process of self-publishing first before quitting. Others send their writing out to a dozen publishers who send form rejection letters, and then they quit. These people have weighed the cost and found it wanting.

Real writers bang their heads against the wall until they get another great idea and jump right into the masochistic abuse all over again, forgetting any pain they had just endured. It’s a sick sort of addiction like eating so many gummy bears that you’re up all night being sick. Well, maybe that only applies to my husband.

The real catch is when you get something accepted, published, or win an award. Suddenly the sun is shining, and the world is beautiful again. Yet, even that award-winning piece can’t hide from the inevitable criticism. After all, now that you are a successful author, you must be put back into your sniveling place. The masses will then declare you are a cheat, a fraud, an impostor. I say all this as though I would know. I don’t. I get thrilled just to see my work in print and then forget that I should be concerned about eating too.

I would dare say that even the demigod of fiction, Stephen King, faces criticism. If you read his book About Writing, you would know this to be a fact. I also assert that he is the most insane among us. Why else would he do it over and over again? Since he is sober at this point, he has to let out his stress by playing in a band with Dave Berry. In fact, many famous writers are part of this band, and I would say that they are all taking the cowardly way out. No sane person would advertise being in a band unless they were really good at it. From what I read online, they are all going to be keeping their day jobs. I’m not making that up. Just Google it, after all, Google never lies.

The point, though is that if you are a writer, you will be criticized. This is a fact of life that has been true since the beginning of the written word. Don’t keep a stiff upper lip and bare it with stoic fortitude. The artistic ideal is the troubled artist who has emotional mood swings like an inebriated Howler monkey on his jungle vines. I encourage you to fully embrace the torture with the cowardly coping mechanisms of laughter and tears, and a few odd quirks to make you less sane.

If you are a writer, then know you are not alone. If you are not a writer, maybe you should try it. You’ll never be the same again, and that may or may not be suitable for your mental health. If you’re a critic or a book reviewer, well, there isn’t any hope for you. My condolences to your family. You have created a facade of normalcy that is entirely unsustainable. I should know; I review books too.

So is there a better, braver way to deal with criticism?

I’m sure there is, but I haven’t discovered it. One day, when I’m rich and famous, perhaps I’ll join a band and then learn how mild my writing criticism actually was.

Check out my young adult fantasy fiction novels HERE for something optimistic and fun.

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